Hey healthy mamas!
Welcome to today’s episode. I am so happy to be here and so glad that you’ve decided to join me.
I am feeling strong and refreshed and full of energy because we are talking about something that I am super passionate about and that is health, particularly YOUR health.
Ok so maybe you already know this about me … or maybe you don’t. I am a health nut. And the reason I am so passionate about health is because it feels like an untapped resource for most of us. Let me explain.
When you ask most people about what it means to be a good mom, you usually get the same sort of answers:
- Being a good mom means putting your kids first.
- Being a good mom means showing up to every game.
- Being a good mom means being available to your kids.
- Being a good mom means giving them healthy food.
All fine. All true.
BUT … do you notice a common theme there? Most of the typical responses have to do with what moms are doing directly FOR their kids.
As divorced moms, this tendency to just focus on what the kids need is amplified. We are wearing so many hats that doing anything for ourselves feels selfish and wrong.
And there’s nothing wrong with focusing on the kids. In fact, we should all endeavour to do these things.
But what I am here to talk about is how to be a good mom in a way that is not directly FOR your kids, but instead, directly for YOU and, consequently, indirectly for your kids.
We hear over and over: put your oxygen mask on first before helping others.
When’s the last time you thought about looking after your kids in the framework of looking after you first?
When we are running around, putting out fires, packing lunches (every. single. day.), racing kids around to practices and games, bringing in a paycheck to buy groceries and pay the bills, wiping their tears when they are struggling at school, we are taking care of them in a direct way. We are putting on their oxygen mask.
But are you wearing YOUR oxygen mask?
I’d like to share with you what my mask looks like. It looks like this:
• healthy eating
• regular exercise
• at least 7 hours of sleep/night
• daily reading
• lots of water
• meditation
• taking the time to decompress when needed
• just sitting down for a few minutes and being with my thoughts
If I don’t do these things for myself, I have no fuel left. Nothing else to give. I have low energy, I feel uncomfortable, my patience is low … and my fuse is short. I don’t know about you but that’s not how I want to show up for my kids.
I feel like most moms agree with this in general. They see the merits of looking after themselves and know it’s a good idea. But where most people get tripped up is having the time.
If I ask just about anyone why they aren’t doing these healthy habits, the answer is almost always: I don’t have the time.
Let’s take this is 2 steps:
First, let’s delete the phrase ‘I don’t have the time’ from our vocabulary. It’s nonsense, not at all helpful and completely takes away our power. We DO have the time. We have 24 hours in the day and we get to CHOOSE what to do with those hours. If we aren’t doing something in our day, it’s because we have prioritized other things. And there is nothing wrong with that but let’s take our power back in how we think about our day.
Second, let’s examine the choices we make in our day that may not be serving us.
- Watching tv until late and not getting enough sleep.
- Making our kids healthy, balanced lunches then just grabbing a granola bar for ourselves.
- Having a glass (or three) of wine every evening in order to wind down from the day.
- Drinking nothing but coffee all day in order to keep ourselves going.
- Being ‘on’ all the time when the kids are with you because you are trying to be the perfect parent.
Do any of these resonate with you?
After I got divorced, I thought the only way to be a great mom was to devote every waking moment to doing what my kids needed. And then, when they slept or were at school or otherwise occupied, I would run myself ragged getting set up for the next phase, not thinking about the fact that my fuel tank was practically empty.
It feels counterintuitive, right? I mean, how does taking the time to make yourself a proper breakfast have anything to do with taking care of your kids?
Well, I will tell you. It does two things: it REFILLS your tank and it SHOWS them that you value yourself. And if they see you love yourself enough to prioritize yourself, in turn, they will prioritize themselves.
Conversely, being a martyr will likely teach your kids one of two things: either they also become martyrs or they grow up thinking everything really is about them. Not sure I want either of those for my kids.
So, what I did is started small. I started getting up 10-minutes early in the morning to read. I chose reading because I like it and it fills my tank but it might not for you. You choose whatever makes you feel recharged. Journaling, walking, watching the sun rise, listening to a podcast, whatever you like.
After doing this for a week or two, I increased it to 15-minutes, then 20-minutes a couple weeks later. Now I was getting up 20-minutes early and decided to up my game: I added a short, simple exercise routine using a pair of light dumbbells and an exercise ball, all completed before anyone woke up.
At first, I saw no changes. Literally, none. But I had told myself I would not stop no matter what so I carried on.
After about a month of this, I noticed it was getting easier to wake up. My energy was slowly increasing despite the fact that I was getting up earlier than usual.
Think of this way: it’s like making a pile of rice one grain at a time.
At first, the change is barely noticeable. But after you’ve piled 50 or 60 pieces, a little mound starts to form.
From one day to the next, one grain at a time, the changes are almost negligible. But when you look back after a month, 6 months, or a year, you have a huge pile of rice! The accumulation is noticeable and the changes staggering.
Maybe tomorrow, you try making yourself the same sandwich you made your kiddo. Maybe you fill up a water bottle when you fill up theirs. Maybe you wake up 10 minutes early and read instead of looking at your phone. Maybe you do a 15-minute yoga video after the kids go to bed tonight.
At first, you don’t feel like doing these things. They will feel like effort … like they take energy you simply do not have. But maybe, just maybe, you can start piling up your rice, one grain at a time. One grain leads to 2 grains leads to 100 grains.
I have learned that it’s not about giant leaps or huge changes. It’s about small, consistent steps. The key word here is CONSISTENT.
In other words, moving the dial forward every, single day. Some days, the dial moves a long way. You make yourself a killer lunch, get to bed on time and even journal for 10 minutes.
Other days, the dial barely moves. You get to 5 o’clock and you’ve had no water, didn’t do your workout and haven’t even started dinner. Maybe that day, the dial gets moved by simply having a glass of water, skipping the wine and getting to bed on time.
And I always like to bring it back to my #1 question: What do I want my kids to learn?
Picture yourself 30 years from now – your kids are all grown up and living their lives. But you see them running themselves ragged, eating terribly, not exercising, not taking any time for themselves. What would you say to them?
If you’re like me, I want my kids to learn to prioritize their health and themselves. I want them to feel energized and strong and healthy. I don’t want them to dread their mornings or drink alcohol in the evenings just to cope. I want them to take their power back.
♥ You DO have the time to make yourself a better breakfast.
♥ You DO have the time to exercise.
♥ You DO have the time to drink more water and meal plan and walk the dog.
You just have to choose them. Your kids, in turn, will see that you’re choosing those options and be more likely to choose them too. They watch everything you do, see everything you eat, hear everything you say and often grow up doing and eating and saying the same things.
As author James Clear says:
Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.
So I want to ask you: what version of you do you vote for today?
How many ballots do you put in the healthy mom box today?
How are you going to add that singular grain of rice to your pile?
If you could use someone to bounce some rice-ideas of off, I would love to be that person! One of my 90-minute one-on-one Stability Sessions would be perfect to work through and nail down the daily habits you’d like to incorporate into your life. If you’re interested, head over to healthymomafterdivorce.com/stability-session to find out more.
I get it. Getting started can be tough. It’s even harder when we’re not where we want to be. Thoughts like “Why didn’t I start this years ago?” slowly creep into our minds.
So I will leave you with a Chinese Proverb that goes like this:
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.
Let’s build our empires of rice together, healthy mamas! Today is the day.
Have a wonderful day and a wonderful week, and remember, healthy moms raise healthy kids.